Fresh Fruit SelfDefence
by Lady Shinimegami
Summary: I got bored again, and produced yet another Monty Python fusion, but with a different anime!


Fresh Fruit Self-Defence

Fresh Fruit Self-Defence

Wu Fei stood in front of the four teens wearing martial arts clothing. They stood in a straight line waiting for him to begin. "Good evening, class." His voice naturally sounding like he was yelling.

They all looked around bored and together mumbled, "Good evening."

The four of them were all the same height with the esceptong of Trowa who was about and inch taller, all, with the exception of Quatre, had brown hair, and all, with the exception of Duo, had short hair.

"Where's all the others, then?" Wu Fei asked curiously.

"They're not here," everyone replied in unison, looking bored beyond belief. Why did their parents force them to come here

"I can see that. What's the matter with them?"

"Dunno," the answered in unison again.

"Perhaps they've got flu," Quatre, the small innocent looking blond boy suggested.

"Huh! Flu, eh? They ate too much fresh fruit," his neck twitched. "Ha. Right. Now, self-defence. Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you with armed with a piece of fresh fruit."

The four boys grumbled.

"Oh, you promised you wouldn't do fruit this week," Duo complained.

"What do you mean?" Wu Fei asked oblivious.

"We've done fruit the last nine weeks," the usually silent Trowa said.

"What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh?" Wu Fei teased with a mocking grin on his face.

"Can't we do something else?" Duo asked annoyed.

"Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?" Heero asked.

"Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something my lad. When you're walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me! Now, the passion fruit. When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit-"

"We've done the passion fruit!" The class yelled.

"What?"

"We've done the passion fruit," Quatre pointed out.

"We've done oranges, apples, grapefruit-" Duo began listing things off.

"-Whole and segments-," Trowa added.

"Pomegranates, greengages-"

"-Grapes, passion fruit-" Came Quatre.

"-Lemons"

"-Plums-" Said Trowa.

"-Mangoes in syrup..." Quatre said.

"What about cherries?" Wu Fei asked, almost not yelling.

"We did them," the four boys said annoyed in unison.

"Red _and_ black?" Wu Fei asked sceptically, just to be sure.

"Yes!"

"All right, bananas." Wu Fei grabbed a banana from the table behind him.

_They all sighed in defeat._

"We haven't done them, have we? Right. Bananas. How to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. Now you, come at me with this banana," Wu Fei pointed to Quatre. "Catch!" He said and threw the banana at him. He caught it. "Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana; then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him helpless."

"Suppose he's got a bunch," Duo said.

"Shut up."

"Suppose he's got a pointed stick," came Heero. 

"Shut up. Right now you, Mr Limer."

"Winner," Quatre corrected him.

"Sorry, Mr. Winner. Come at me with that banana. Hold it like that," he held up his hand like he was holding a knife, Quatre held the banana up likewise. Wu Fei got into a fighting stance, "that's it. Now attack me with it. Come on! Come on! Come at me! Come at me then!"

Quatre began to walk forward in a none threatening innocent way; Wu Fei shook his head and pushed him back in line.

"No! No! Put something into it you weak boy! Come at me like you mean it, scream a bit. Come on you worm!"

Wu Fei got back into his fighting stance. Quatre paused for a second, then raising the banana like a knife, and ran forward screaming.

Wu Fei turned to the table beside him, grabbed a gun, turned back around, and then shot Quatre mid run.

"Aaagh!" Quatre yelled and fell over dead.

"Now," Wu Fei bent over and grabbed the banana "I eat the banana." He then pealed it and began to eat the banana.

"You shot him!" Duo yelled pointing.

"He's dead!" Trowa yelled, pointing as well, so was Heero.

"He's completely dead!" Heero yelled.

Wu Fei pushed the oncoming boy back. "I have now eaten the banana. The deceased, Mr Limer, is now helpless."

"You shot him. You shot him dead." Duo said accusingly.

"Well, he was attacking me with a banana." Wu Fei defended himself.

"But you told him to," Trowa said in Quatres defence.

"Look, I'm only doing my job. I have to show you how to defend yourselves against fresh fruit."

"And pointed sticks." Heero pointed out.

"Shut up."

"Suppose I'm attacked by a man with a banana and I haven't got a gun?" Duo asked.

Wu Fei thought for a bit. "Run for it."

"You could stand and scream for help." Trowa asked.

"Yeah, yeah, you try that with a pineapple down your windpipe." Wu Fei said sarcastically.

"A pineapple?"

"Where? Where?" Wu Fei looked around in circles scared.

"No I just said: 'a pineapple'."

"Oh. Phew. I thought my number was on that one."

"What, on the pineapple?"

"Where? Where?" Again Wu Fei encircled himself scared out of his wits.

"No, I was just repeating it."

"Oh. Oh. I see. Right. Phew. Right that's bananas then. Now the raspberry." Wu Fei grabbed a raspberry from the table behind him. "There we are. Harmless looking thing, isn't it? Now you, Mr Bottled Peach."

"Barton."

"Barton. Come at me with that raspberry. Come on. Be as vicious as you like with it." Wu Fei handed him the raspberry, and got into his fighting stance.

"No."

"Why not?"

"You'll shoot me."

"I won't." He said looking innocent.

"You shot Mr. Winner." Trowa pointed out.

"That was self-defence. Now come on. I promise I won't shoot you."

"You promised you'd tell us about pointed sticks." Heero asked.

"Shut up. Come on, brandish that raspberry. Come at me with it. Give me Hell."

"Throw the gun away."

"I haven't got a gun." Wu Fei said looking innocent again.

"You have." Trowa said pointing to the table.

"No I haven't."

"You shot Mr Winner with it."

"Oh, that gun."

"Throw it away."

"Oh all right." He picked the gun up and threw it over to Quatres corpse. "How to defend yourself against a redcurrant -- without a gun."

"You were going to shoot me!"

"No I wasn't."

"You were!"

"No, I wasn't, I wasn't. Come on then. Come at me. Come on you weed! You weed, do your worst! Come on, you puny little man. You weed..."

Trowa then ran towards him. Wu Fei then turned around a pulled a lever, instantly a weight fell from the ceiling marked '16 Tones'.

"Aaagh!"

"If anyone ever attacks you with a raspberry, just pull the lever and the 16-ton weight will fall on top of him." Wu Fei said triumphantly.

"Suppose there isn't a 16-ton weight?" Duo asked.

"Well that's planning, isn't it? Forethought."

"Well how many 16-ton weights are there?"

"Look, look, look, Mr Knowall. The 16-ton weight is just one way, _one way_ of dealing with a raspberry killer. There are millions of others!"

"Like what?" Heero asked.

"Shooting him?"

"Well what if you haven't got a gun or a 16-ton weight?" Duo asked snottily.

"Look, look. All right, smarty-pants." Wu Fei said walking up to Duo and handed him and Heero each baskets of raspberries. "You two, you two, come at me then with raspberries. Come on, both of you, whole basket each."

Wu Fei took a fighting stance.

"No guns?"

"No."

"No 16-ton weights?"

"No."

"No pointed sticks?" Heero asked.

"Shut up."

"No rocks up in the ceiling?" Dup asked looking up.

"No."

"And you won't kill us?"

"I won't."

"Promise?"

"I promise I won't kill you. Now. Are you going to attack me?" Wu Fei asked getting annoyed.

"Oh, all right." Heero and Duo said together.

"Right, now don't rush me this time. Stalk me. Do it properly. Stalk me. I'll turn me back."

Wu Fei turned around taking his fighting stance and both Heero and Duo began to stalk forward, each taking either side of the weight, so they could get him from both angles.

"Stalk up behind me, close behind me, then in with the redcurrants! Right? Ok. Now the first thing to do when you're being stalked by an ugly mob with redcurrants is to -- release the tiger!"

Suddenly a large tiger came at the two teens from the front. Many screams and growl were heard.

"The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that he eats not only the fruit-laden foe but also the redcurrants. Tigers however do not relish the peach. The peach assailant should be attacked with a crocodile. Right, now, the rest of you, where are you?" Wu Fei began to search the room. "I know you're hiding somewhere with your damsons and prunes. Well I'm ready for you. I've wired meself up to 200 tons of gelignite, and if any one of you so much as makes a move we'll all go up together! Right, right. I warned you. That's it-"

BANG!!!!!!!!

(That was even more insane then the Monty Python/DBZ Fic I did. Right Banky? Banky? *Banky is sleeping in a corner, probably dreaming of Holden* Awww... how cute. *Grabs a stereo and puts it by Bankys head* Should I play Metallica or Slipknot? Well anyhoo, hope you liked. I'll try and write more of these, if I find anymore that seem to fit in with some anime. Bye for now *puts in Slipknot and presses play*)


End file.
